BunkyPunkisalamefuck

Saturday, September 17, 2005

Happy Saturday Fuckos! I've received oodles of mail and most of it's pure dogshit. Here are two that I thought deserved responses:

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Date: Fri, 16 Sep 2005 16:04:34 -0700 (PDT)
From: "S**********" <********@gmail.com> Add to Address Book
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Subject: Katrina
To: anais_nynjah@yahoo.com

I just wanted to add that if those stupid women in New Orleans would have just breast fed their babies, then they would have had milk to drink. That's God's way. He made our bodies to feed our children. And also they wouldn't be so fat because breast-feeding your baby helps you lose weight and you pass on all your immunity to your baby and it makes them healthy.

Synthia

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Dear Synthia,

Oh my God! Thank you SO much for writing and bringing that up! You are SO brilliant! I NEVER would have thought of that! Those stupid bitches in New Orleans have probably never even heard of breast feeding. They are so ignorant and dumb, they probably don't even know what it is. If only they would have breast-fed their babies, that would have solved everything. I never knew that breast-feeding could be started at will at anytime. Silly me, I thought that breast milk dried up within the first three weeks after delivery if the mother wasn't breast-feeding. You are such a genius. You should go work for the President. No, you should go work for FEMA. You could head up the breast-feeding program, spreading the word that in any disaster or hardship, all a mother need do is breast-feed her baby and everything will be just fine. Let me know if there's anything I can do to hellp you get that job. FEMA needs a woman like you. I would be happy to write any recommendation for you.

Love,
Anais

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Here's the most disturbing piece of mail I've ever received. Trust me, that's saying a lot.

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Date: Sat, 17 Sep 2005 09:17:36 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Monkey Man" Add to Address Book
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Subject: Regarding Henry
To: anais_nynjah@yahoo.com

I'm interested in what you have to say about the fact that Henry Rollins wrote Planet Joe. It's a known fact that Joe Cole never wrote one word of that book and that Henry Rollins has been cashing in on his death ever since it was published.

Monkey
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Dear Monkeydick,

Don't you ever write me again, you worthless piece of monkey shit. The only excrement who would continue to perpetuate that absolute and complete lie is a scumbag like you. Look, it's very sad and tragic that you have a needle dick and no one willingly touches you. Too bad self love and crack whores are your only option. Why take it out on Henry Rollins? How fucking dare you even continue to spread this bullshit rumour? It's so much worse than all that Henry is gay shit. At least that rumour made sense.

How can such a lie be a "known fact"? Because you've decided it's so? You've only decided that because saying it gives you attention. I understand. No one would look at you otherwise. But now, everyone will just look at you and know that you are a liar, a pathetic fuck, and that you are trying to fuck with Rollins to get attention. Who would even notice you, otherwise? No one. You are invisible.

Have you even read Planet Joe? I'll bet not. Let's work this out. So, you're saying it's a "known fact" that Rollins wrote Planet Joe. Why would he do that? Because he's such a marketing genius? So he puts out another road journal? To supplement the one that he's putting out himself? Except this other one is through the eyes of the roadie? So he can say things about Ratman and the band that he can't say as Rollins? So that he can talk about dropping acid?

Have you ever read any Rollins? The whole point of the books, the sustaining beauty of the journals, is the brutal honesty. Think it, write it, print it. The common man will never know how much editing went on, but if Rollins was so pre-fabbing the whole thing, why leave in spelling and grammar mistakes? Oh, did he fake those too? Is that a "known fact"?

As far as cashing in on Joe Cole's death, boy you better run. I hope Rollins never finds out who you are or what shit you've been talking. Actually, I hope he does. I hope he snaps your spine. How fucking dare you? Who the fuck do you think you are? Dennis Cole? Are you his little bitch? Are you working for Dennis Cole, trying to get some publicity for him? Talking shit on Rollins was his last ditch attempt before he ran to Florida to become a property pimp while he can still try cashing in on those supposed good looks.

I'll tell you what, monkeyfuck. Let's make a deal. You come meet me in person. I'll let you know who I am, if you let me know who you are. Otherwise, if you're gonna talk that kind of crazy shit behind a mask, be prepared for what you get back.

Here's why you targeted Rollins. You want to be him. You looked at him and you bought the package. You saw the neck and the eyebrows and you said, yeah. Nobody fucks with him. You feel like a nothing and no one notices you. So you tried to become Rollins. Except you can't be. No one can be Rollins but Hank. So now you resent Rollins. Because he didn't notice you, either. Have you tried writing him? Did you stand in line after a show? Did he ignore you like everyone else does? You were so devastated that he didn't instantly recognize you as his twin that you broke down and cried like the little bitch you are.

That's why you hate Joe Cole. Fuck you, you do hate him. You wouldn't have dared say what you did if you didn't hate him. Joe Cole deserves your hate? Fuck you. You just hate him because Rollins will never reject Joe the way you think he rejected you. That's why you're throwing your little hate tantrum. Go to therapy. Work out your shit. Rollins is impenetrable. You can't hurt him with your stupid shit. You can't even get his attention. I dare you to go talk your shit to his face. Let me know where and when, motherfucker. I'll get rich off selling tickets.

In hate and darkness, motherfucker.

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Kittens, I ask you to please slam Monkey Dick as much as you can. monkeysopo@yahoo.com Spam him. Slam him. Find out who and where is and drag him from his hovel to be beaten with cats of nine tails, then tarred and feathered and left on the doorstep of Two1361 to be dealt with by the man. Do this for me, darlings. It's the only thing I ask. Well, no it isn't. But it must be done, for the good of all humanity, and for the sake of the beloved soul adventurer Joe Cole, the absolute and true author of Planet Joe.

And for Peet's Coffee sake, will somebody worthy please write me?

The Shadow * 11:30 AM

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