Wednesday, October 12, 2005
Oh Kittens, you disappoint me. I was for a little while working with someone who for a moment there totally made me feel like I was alive. Then he started shooting up again and I dumped him like a hot potato. It was interesting, though. For a brief moment in time. He was supposedly writing about his experiences in jail, porn, New York City, and an insane asylum (which was actually in the Midwest and not a euphemism for NYC).
There was quite a backlog in the mail. Here's one I thought you all might find interesting: Don't worry. I've been writing to her without any of you even knowing. What do you think of that? Why yes, who gives a shit would be the correct answer!
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Date: Fri, 7 Oct 2005 11:22:43 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Niki***" <****************@yahoo.com> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: blahblah
To: anais_nynjah@yahoo.com
I don't know who you are but you talk a lot of shit. You act like you know everything. You act like you have an answer to everything. All day long I think about killing myself. What do you have to say about that?
You probably won't even believe me. You think this is a joke. The joke is my life. I'm fat. I'm ugly. My family has no money. I'm not in the advanced program. I can't get a job because I have to help my mom all the time at home. I don't have a boyfriend. All day at school I just try to be invisible.
I'm wondering what you are going to say to me. I don't think you'll say anything at all. I think you'll ignore me like everyone else.
Niki
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Dear Niki,
Of course I won't ignore you. Oh, Sweetness! This is exactly the kind of email I love to get. Let me tell you what I would do if I knew where you were. First I would come over your house and sit with you in your room. I hope you have your own room. I would totally understand your despair if you didn't.
Now, after I've sat with you and just listened for a while, I would make you take me out. I would want to see what you see. Where do you go? What do you do? With whom do you do it? You say you don't have any friends. How long have you lived in the area? Everyone has friends. Goodness, if you were kidnapped by a serial killer you wouldn't believe how many of your friends would be clamoring to get on Larry King just to talk about their intense friendship with you.
All right, then. I've seen a little bit of your life. Now, I'm going to tell you about yourself and then I'm going to tell you how to make it all better. You must trust me on this, Sweetness. Other people only pretend, but not me. I actually know what the fuck I'm talking about.
I want you to sit down for this. Not just sit, but make yourself nice and comfortable. Okay. Here it is: YOU ARE NORMAL. Now I'm sure I'm not the first to tell you that, and please don't take it to mean that you are mediocre, or average. What I'm trying to convey to you is that you are not abnormal. There's nothing wrong with you. Your feelings are normal and valid and the truth. Please continue writing them down. Please save the pages onto which you write them.
Listen, everyone hates being 17. Jesus God, there've been songs written about it. It's okay to hate where you are right now. The good news is that it will change. The thing you need to work on is how it will change. What kind of 18 year old will you be? One with a car and a job and boyfriend? One with a scholarship to college? One with a guitar in her hand enroute to Los Angeles? You are a 17 year old American girl. The entire world belongs to you.
Let me just sketch that out for you, honey. You will not be drafted to the Middle East. You are in control of your fertility and so far you haven't screwed yourself by screwing with someone and getting yourself a baby. You are in control of your habits. Sure, you need to lose weight. Who doesn't? At least you don't have a drug problem. You don't have a boyfriend? Good for you. At least you don't have some loser hanging around pretending he's a man and telling you what to do all the time. At least you don't have a stalker or some asshole who doesn't give a shit about you, but comes sniffing around for sex all the time. Count your blessings, girl. See how far ahead of the game you are?
Now you seem to think you know what you want. Do you really want to be skinny, and pretty, and rich, and popular? You know that's a complete lie, don't you? Okay, now here's where I tell you to turn off the TV and stop reading celebrity gossip magazines. As a matter of fact, stop reading pretty much all magazines for a while. All they do is give you self-esteem issues and eating disorders.
Stop thinking about celebrities. Stop thinking about the popular girls at school. Stop all that. This is the Niki Show and you are the star. Why would I want to watch the Niki Show? Is Niki funny? Is she smart? Is she a hero?
Pretty soon you are going to be of legal age to make your own decisions. I don't think people really come of age until their late 20's, and some people never do it at all. But you'll have to start practicing now. Keep telling your mother that you need a job and a car. Don't be a brat about it. Don't whine or threaten or act like a spoiled brat. Just keep telling her what you need and asking her to help you come up a plan to get your needs met. Don't even talk about it as a "want". Always talk about your "needs". Don't give up. Persistence is a good thing to have in your toolbox. It will either help you get what you want or realize that you never really wanted it or that you've have moved past it.
So, you've turned off the TV and you're not even thinking about anyone else but Niki. What does Niki want to look like? Just about the only thing you can't change about your body is your height, unless you want to go to a Japanese height clinic and trust me, Sugar, you don't want to even think about it. What color hair do you want? Long? Short? Sexy? Straight? Curly? What kind of clothes do you want to wear? If you don't know, try on everything. See what looks good on you and what makes you feel good. Try on all kinds of styles, like you're going to a costume party. See what you like. Just don't do anything gimmicky like wear all purple all the time.
You tell me you're fat. Maybe you are, maybe you aren't. Every girl thinks she's fat. What are we talking about here? Are you Anna Nicole right before TrimSpa? Or are you Renee Z in Bridget Jones? Either way, all you have to do is lose it. I know of a bazillion diets and they all work. Every single one of them. The best thing, though is to just exercise. Buy the Six Day Makeover by Michael Thurmond. If you can't afford it, I'll send you a copy. Lose the weight. Just do it in a healthy way. Your body is the sacred temple of your soul. Take care of it.
Now, maybe you eat fast food all the time and never exercise and you hate fruits and vegetables. Get over it. Unless you want to get a nice meth addiction, you're not going to look like a starlet unless you eat right and exercise. Go to Overeater's Anonymous if you feel like you need some help for emotional eating. You're so lucky that you're starting to reshape your life so young. It gets harder and harder to break bad habits the older you get.
You tell me that you're ugly. I don't believe you. God gives everyone something nice to see when they look in the mirror. You've got something to build on. Go to the mall and let one of those dorks at the make-up counter do your face. Promise me that you won't buy anything, just let them play with you. Then go again with a different girl, if your town isn't too small. Don't let them guilt you into buying anything. It's their job to teach you how to be glamorous and when you find your look you can buy what you need.
Being pretty and skinny isn't all that hard. Having a personality is. Most skinny pretty girls are lame. Honestly. They don't ever have to develop their minds or their personalities because everything has come so easy to them. All they do is show up and smile. Usually they don't even have to smile. They just get their way because they're pretty. They learn this by age 2 and it's all a lost cause from there. You don't want to be a beauty queen do you? Listen to me on this point: No matter how beautiful a woman is, there is at least one guy who is sick to death of her.
It's not hard to be beautiful or glam. It just takes practice and a bit of money. If you have skin problems use ProActive. If you have a weight problem, go to counseling and a nutritionist, and join a gym. If you don't have nice clothes, try shopping at thrift stores and dressing in a funky, but pretty fashion.
Map out your new life. Every day do something that moves you toward where you want to be. Get your make-up lesson. Go thrift store shopping. Talk to your mom about a job and a car. Maybe you might even just go and apply for some jobs and then once you get an offer, talk to your mom again.
Now I'm going to tell you the two biggest secrets to changing your life. Ready? These are very, very big secrets.
The first secret is to listen to the right music. You need to be listening to music that wakes up your brain. You need to be listening to music that makes you feel something every single time you hear it. It doesn't matter what you listen to, okay I'm totally lying. You can't feel anything but disgust when you listen to Britney Spears or anything like that. Disgust is not what we're going for here. I'm talking about music like Nina Simone or Johnny Cash or anything put out on the Dischord label. You pick your own music. Whatever makes you want to lay on your bed with your eyes squeezed shut, or makes you want to kick something, or dance around your bedroom with mop are probably good choices. Check out everything. If you like a song, you like it. If you hate a song, you hate it. It's that easy. It doesn't matter what anyone else says, does, or thinks. Remember, this is the Niki Show and your music is the soundtrack. Music is funny thing. Years from now when you hear a certain song it will take you back to a moment and you'll relive it all again. It's magic. Music will be your friend and will talk to you and even listen sometimes. Music will understand and stay with you. Just make sure you really listen to your music and no one else's.
Okay, now here's the next secret. Read everything. Read, read, and then read some more. Read the classics, read the banned list, read what shocks you. Read what your enemy wrote. Read the book before you see the movie. Read it all, honey. You will absorb more knowledge, culture, and adventure from reading the right books than anything else. When you read Jane Austen you'll find out that 200 years ago girls were going through the same crap as you are right now. When you read Victor Hugo, you'll find out that as long as one person loves you, you can hang on forever through anything. When you read Go Ask Alice you'll never do any drugs at all whatsoever. Read Henry Rollins. Read a Taylor Caldwell historical novel. Read The Lovely Bones. Read She's Come Undone. Read The Story of O. Read Anais Nin if you want. Read JD Salinger. Read ancient texts. Read foreign authors. Read religious stuff. Read Anne fucking Coulter if you want. It almost doesn't matter. As long as you keep reading, and you read everything. Once you start, you won't stop.
All right, now you have to read my diatribe on suicide.
I understand thinking about suicide. I do. But here's the thing: There are two kinds of suicides. The first is someone who is considering a permanent solution to a very temporary problem. Life can turn on a dime, Niki. How different would your life be if your mom won a million dollars? Or if you given a full ride scholarship to college? Just consider that. The first type of suicide just wants to end the problem. It's very normal and natural to think about suicide when you are so unhappy and you feel like nothing will ever change. It's logical. It's an indicator that you need things to change. So figure out a way to change them.
The second kind of suicide is someone who is truly, truly worn out. These are people who've been battling a terminal illness for years, or who've lived in utter despair for a lifetime. These people go out because they've lost hope and simply don't want to experience any more pain, even if there's a glimpse of happiness mixed in. You are only 17. It's unlikely that you've experienced a lifetime of wretchedness, although I acknowledge that you may feel like you have.
When you think about killing yourself are your thoughts that you wish you didn't have to wake up and live this life anymore? Temporary pain. Move through it. Are you fantasizing about your funeral? That your mother will cry and tell everyone how much she misses you and that she won't be able to go on without you? That's manipulation and feeling taken advantage of and unappreciated. Fix that. Do you fantasize that some guy at school will come to your funeral and be sad? Maybe he will. What difference would that make? You'll be dead so you never be with him and you'll have hurt him by killing yourself. Come up with a sexier fantasy than that, okay? How about one where you and the guy make out behind the gym like you're both nymphos.
Get some help for your depression. I'm not saying you don't have good reasons to be depressed, but it would be such a shame to let a perfectly good girl like you go to waste. If you feel ike the advisors at your school aren't complete snitches and worthless dorks, then talk to them. If you don't know who to talk to you can call me. I'll find someone cool who'll talk with you. I know you know you're no the only person in the world feeling like this. Wouldn't it be cool to get to know someone who can empathize?
Keep in touch, Niki. I for one am very interested to hear how your story turns out.
Anais Nynjah
The Shadow * 12:14 AM
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