BunkyPunkisalamefuck

Friday, November 11, 2005

Hello worthless peons. How the fuck are ya? Gee, that's too bad. Really. Sorry to neglect and ignore you, but I had such better things to do. But I'm back now. Not because I miss any of you, please don't flatter yourselves. It's only because I wanted to share with you the plight of poor, poor Roxy. This is the story of a girl with the brains of a bird. A very, very small stupid bird. Have a look:

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Date: Mon, 7 Nov 2005 11:21:40 -0700 (PDT)
From: Send an Instant Message "Roxy" Add to Address BookAdd to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: Please help! Very urgent!
To: anais_nynjah@yahoo.com

Hi Anais,

I really like your blog. You should blog more. I think you are really funny. Okay, here's my big problem. My boyfriend is dumping me. We've been going out for two years and all of a sudden I'm getting these hints that he's been seeing another girl who is a total skank and he's being kind of weird with me. He doesn't show up for things and he's kind of distant with me. It's like the life has totally gone out of our relationship and we're like an old married couple. I totally feel like he's taking advantage of me. I asked him about these rumors I've heard about the skank and he just said I was tripping. I love him so much and I don't want to lose him. Please, tell me what to do. I know you'll tell me something crazy and outrageous, but I'm open to all options here.

Roxy

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Oh, Roxy! You stupid little co-ed slut. This drama is so old it should have a beat to it. Oh, wait a minute! What am I thinking? This is not only the oldest story in the world, it's the oldest fucking song in the book. My man done me wrong. There's another woman in his life. Oh, Lord don't let him leave me.

First of all, let me just center myself on the soapbox here. Okay, now ever since Adam and Eve were in the garden with Lillith and that whole dust up, there's been a huge misconception going on that I'd like to take a stab at straightening out right now. Women have this strange idea that they need men. Wrong, wrong, wrong. You have no need for a man, chica. Oh, but you'll say you don't like dildo's and in vitro fertilization. That's not what I'm talking about.

Men do serve their functions. Men can be great, if you ever find one. On the whole what we're talking about are guys. Guys are just little boys in grown bodies. Now let's review what we know about guys. Guys are dumb. Even the rocket scientists among them are dumb. Guys are lazy. Even workaholics like Henry Rollins and Ian MacKaye are lazy when it comes to women. But let's face it. Guys are just little boys. We all know what little boys want. They want to eat, sleep, stim, eat, and sleep. The eating and sleeping are the easy parts. Stimming is the only complicated thing about guys. What stims this guy? Is he seemingly complicated like Henry Rollins? Easy. Rollins seems like a really dark, complicated guy, but he's a no-brainer. Feed him some good food. Make him almost comfortable, because uncomfortable is slightly stimming to the old man. Then just keep his brain stimming. Interesting concepts. New ideas. Anecdotes about his favorite people. Good music. Lots of praise. Easy, easy, easy.

Okay, so now you're sure you want this boyfriend of yours to stay? You're sure you don't want to let whatever happens happen and trust in the wisdom of The Universe to just handle this for you? Well, all right then. Mama Anais will help you. But be forewarned: Once I put my advice out there, you had best take it. Don't come crying back to me about any of it. Just do as I say and you'll get what you want. Don't and and don't and fuck you.

Okay, here are the steps to keeping this troll in your life.

Step One;

Break up with him. No, no. I won't listen to your protests. This is step one and you're already arguing with me. Now knock it off and dump his ass. You have to do it very carefully, though. You can't break up with him like a chick. You have to dump him like a guy. Just go in there and dump his ass with no advanced warning or explanation. Just pretend you're a guy and do it hard, cold, and fast. DO NOT say "I think you're so great and I really want to be friends". DO NOT say "I think we should see other people". DO NOT say anything comforting, or explanatory. Just go in there and say, hey this really isn't working out and I think it's best we call it quits. That's it. No explanations, no talk, nothing. Let him know you're late for something and go. Do not answer his calls. Do not tell your friends what is going on. All of these things are very important. You must follow this strategy to a T.

Now, before you break up with him you have to go shopping. You have to buy some clothes, or borrow if you must, that are totally different from what you normally wear. I recommend a little sluttier or a little more feminine. It usually doesn't work if you go more restrained or casual. Make sure you amp it up. If you don't normally accessorize, make sure you are wearing big bold jewelry. If you don't normally wear a lot of make-up, make sure you're wearing some. You don't have to start walking around looking like a drag queen on New Year's Eve, just make sure it's noticeable. If you need to, you can practice on your dad or your little brother. If they notice that your style has changed, so will your target. Now, for the next thing. Make sure you are wearing a totally new perfume. It has to be totally different than what you usually wear. Like if you usually wear florals, make sure this is a spice. One thing that really works great is to wear an obscure men's fragrance. Make sure it's not AXE or some crap like that. It has to be something very vague. Okay, got it? New look, new fragrance, dump his ass like a guy.

Okay, now on to Step Two:

Do not call him. EVER. DO not answer his calls. Do not call him to see how he's doing or to ask if you left something at his place. You do not want to see him. You've forgotten all about him. Even if you wanted to see him, you couldn't because you can't remember where he lives. You've forgotten his phone number. Now you have to be busy all the time. If he calls your house, your roommates or parents have to say that you're gone and they don't know where you are. If he calls your work, don't talk to him. If he comes by your work, be very busy. Look at him like you're surprised to see him and you can't imagine why he'd be there. Don't be mean or rude. Be your usual sweet self. You are blissfully happy. There's no reason to be rude. You have no reason to be mean to anyone.

Step Three:

You have to get a new obsession. It almost doesn't matter what it is, as long as it isn't a living person. It can be a living person, but not someone like your professor or the hot guy at the bookstore. It can be a certain band, or a sport, or an author, or Medievel warfare techniques. It doesn't matter. Just get your head into something and become fascinated with it. There's a lot in this world to fascinate anyone. Go for it.

Step Four:

Okay, now that you've got all that down, and it's been at least three weeks to a month, you can answer your phone. You can start telling your friends what's going on. You can start talking to the target. When they ask you what's up, just act like nothing is going on. When they ask why you dumped the target, just say that you don't know. It seemed like the right thing to do.

Okay, now one of two things will happen. You will either have an ex-boyfriend dying to get you back, or you will already be over him. Why? Because by using this strategy, you've forced yourself to forget all about him. And here you are walking around with a new look, a new fascination, a sweet demeanor, and you will be attracting all kinds of guys. So what do you want to do? Do you want to go back to that same old boring relationship you had for two years with someone who didn't appreciate you, or do you want to move on?

Here's a little maintenance therapy for you. To keep yourself going you have to luxuriate in your wonderfulness. You have to touch yourself all over all the time. It's really cool. You have to take baths and soak in soothing bath salts and smooth lotion all over your own skin. Touch yourself. Feel how sexy you are. This is what guy's feel when they touch you. Isn't it cool? Wear beautiful clothes. Yeah, your hoodie and jeans are the best ever. I know. But you could also wear some sexy bras and panties underneath them, right. Wear jewelry. Do your hair. Pretend you're the chick from Alias and you're getting dressed up for a mission. Have some fun. Listen to a lot of great romantic music. Hey, I'm a fan of thrash and roar, too. But no one can belt it out like a diva. Listen to music that moves you. If nothing moves you, you're dead. So keep listening until something moves you.

All right then. Follow the steps. Follow the strategy exactly and you'll get what you want. What you want may change, but either way you'll get it.

No need to thank me. Just pay it forward. Wink.

Anais

The Shadow * 1:50 PM

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