Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Date: Tue, 14 Feb 2006 11:22:43 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Kiki" <**********@yahoo.com> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
Yahoo! DomainKeys has confirmed that this message was sent by yahoo.com. Learn more
Subject: Valentines Day
To: anais_nynjah@yahoo.com
Hey Anais,
How is everything going? I hope everything is good. I have a question and I hope you can help me.
I don't like having sex with my boyfriend. I've tried talking to him but he just kind of blows me off. I would like to stop but I don't want him to break up with me. I'm hoping you can help me and that you won't make fun of me.
Okay, thanks alot.
Kiki
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Dearest, dearest Kiki -
Where the fuck is your mother? Oh, nevermind.
How could I possibly make fun of you? You are in such serious trouble. If you don't like having sex with your boyfriend, then S T O P!
Seriously. Don't EVER do anything you don't want to do. Okay, I know that in reality we are all basically forced through socialization to do lots and lots of things we really don't want to do. We go to work, or school maybe in your case. We pay taxes, or we at least pretend to. We pay our bills, sort of. We let Britney Spears live. But what I'm talking about is sex. Her sex is something every girl in the world should have control over. However, that's still not the way of the world. There are little girls, and chicks, and women the whole world over who suck it up and do what they're told, no matter how much it hurts. No matter how disgusting it is. Why are you one of them?
My dearest little Kiki, when your asshole boyfriend ignores your protests and requests for him to stop, you need to take back control of the situation. I suggest a nice hard kick in the balls.
Sex is a beautiful thing. But like everything beautiful, it can be disfigured into something disturbing at the very least. Your sex is something delicate. It needs to be protected, like a precious thing. You wouldn't expose something precious to the elements. You wouldn't let just anyone handle something precious, right? You need to think of your pussy, of your sex, as one of the most precious things in the world.
Precious things are to be shared. They need to be stared at and worhipped. That's what makes them precious. Something so unique and special needs to be treated properly. But don't hide it away. Just be sure to screen your pussy worshippers. Make sure they know what they're doing. Make sure they have respect and skill in what they're doing.
Let's talk about respect. Make sure you have respect for yourself. Otherwise, how can you demand something of someone that you won't give yourself? Don't let anyone push you around. You don't owe anyone a fuck. I don't care if some jerkoff declares himself your boyfriend. I don't care how much money he's spent on you. I don't care what he does for you or where he takes you. You don't owe anyone a fuck, and that includes blowjobs, handjobs, or any other sexual interaction anyone can dream up. You don't owe anyone a fuck. Ever. Even on your wedding night. Even if you said you would and then change your mind once you get naked. Even if you change your mind in the middle of the act. You don't owe anyone a fuck, ever.
Your boyfriend will probably break up with you if you stop having sex with him. I know this because he's stupid, and shallow, and doesn't give a shit about you or what you want. That's okay. I have a great way to trump him. All you have to do to prevent him from breaking up with you, is to break up with him first. Make sure everyone knows that you're the dumper and that it was because he's so pushy about sex. He'll probably run around telling everyone what a horrible lay you are. Who cares. Let him say what he wants. Let him do whatever he likes. It doesn't matter because he doesn't matter. You and your pussy need to spend some time really getting to know each other and he's just getting in the way. Get rid of him.
I'd like you to start reading books. Read some Tracey Cox. Maybe some Regena Thomashauer. Plus, I want you to touch yourself. A lot. Use lube. Make sure you know what turns you on before you let anyone else touch you. Do it at least once a day. Masturbation isn't just for boys. It isn't just for Henry Rollins. It's for you and your pussy. Touch yourself. Do it a lot. Do it until you know how your body works and then, once you've really screened the next guy and made sure he's pussy worthy, you can let him get to know you. I suggest you make him start by licking you until you come the first time and then he can stim you with his fingers until you're ready for his big dick.
Good luck and good sex.
AN
-------------------------
Yahoo! for Good
The Shadow * 9:52 PM
____________________
Sunday, January 15, 2006
This just in from idiot central -
Date: Sun, 15 Jan 2006 00:18:50 -0800 (PST)
From: "monkey man"
Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
Yahoo! DomainKeys has confirmed that this message was sent by yahoo.com. Learn more
Subject: No More Crew
To: anais_nynjah@yahoo.com
Hey Bitch,
Looks like Henry Rollins is shutting down your friends. I think it's fucking hilarious. What are you gonna do now you stupid bitch? No more crew. What do you have to say to that?
----------------------
Yahoo! Photos – Showcase holiday pictures in hardcover
Photo Books. You design it and we’ll bind it!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Oh dearest dearie me! Whatever will I do?
Hmmmm, there's just so much wrong with this I honestly don't know where to start. Okay, here goes.
Hey, dumbfuck! Didn't I tell you not to write me anymore? I shouldn't have bothered saying it. Knuckledraggers like you can never follow simple instructions. Look, it's just so sad that you can't be Henry Rollins like you want to be. I'm really sorry, but The Universe only allows one Henry on the planet at a time. Kind of like at Disneyland there's only one Mickey Mouse out in the park at a time. Sure, there's dozens of Mickey's waiting in the wings, but only one can be out and about at a time. Right now, it's Hank's turn.
So you hate The Crew for some unfathomable yet retarded reason. How quaint. What did they ever do to you? Who cares?
I don't understand why you write me. I don't understand your hostility towards Rollins or your hostility towards The Crew. I understand your hostility towards me because I know that even though I'm anime I'm still more woman than you've ever had or will ever. You spread lies about Henry like he's not a real person and then you write to me gloating that Henry is shutting down The Crew.
A bit of reality for you, but only because you are in such desperate need. Henry is not shutting down The Crew. Henry probably doesn't even know The Crew exist. Henry probably doesn't have the time or energy to give two black shits either way. The Crew are shutting down their blog on Henry's birthday for whatever reasons of their own. If you want more truth you can write to them and see if they'll answer.
You sit at your computer and spread your hostility because your world is too fucking small and the hate inside you is boiling over. Not my fault, not my problem. If you don't like your fucked up pathetic life, feel free to change it. If the only effort you can make to relieve your pain, or boredom, or dissatisfaction, is to start shit via email, then why don't you just go start a blog of your own and see if anyone bothers reading your shit.
Or you could just kill yourself, which would be my recommendation. You could drink antifreeze in your OJ and take a bunch of sleeping pills and let it do it's work. That would be a great method for a little pussy bitch like yourself.
AN
The Shadow * 10:08 AM
____________________
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Oh, Kittens,
Somewhere out there is a said, lonely girl named Katherin Zaleski. She's obsessed with her cat, and the Henry Rollins discussion group on Yahoo! You should all write to her and see what she has to say. It's kind of like dropping a quarter in one of those gypsy fortune teller arcade things. Except that when you drop a quarter in Katherine you get a really fucked up sideways kind of perspective back atcha. Try it. You might like it. But then, that's probably what you're afraid of, right? I know, little darlings, I know.
Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite. Unless you're into that kinky shit.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Printable View This message is not flagged. [ Flag Message - Mark as Unread ]
Date: Sun, 8 Jan 2006 14:59:36 -0800 (PST)
From: "katherine zaleski" <********@yahoo.com> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
Yahoo! DomainKeys has confirmed that this message was sent by yahoo.com. Learn more
Subject: Re: hey
To: "Anais Nynjah"
um.. . im sorry if ihave bothered you..
Anais Nynjah wrote:
Yeah, that Rollins group on Yahoo! sure is full of people who think very highly of themselves. I wonder why.
AN
katherine zaleski <********@yahoo.com> wrote:
well, someone on a yahoo! henry rollins list gave the url to your blog. once in a while i check it... its cool you went to go visit joe cole. made me think of my grandmother... and of all those that i miss...
Anais Nynjah wrote:
Only when I'm in the hospital on a Morphine drip.
How does that feel, tongues from strange animals?
AN
katherine zaleski <********@yahoo.com> wrote:
do you ever feel like your skin is crawling with bugs.. maybe maggots, or spiders.. or tongues from some strange animal...?
Anais Nynjah wrote:
Well, he's a busy boy. We don't bug, we just keep it short and sweet. He probably appreciates that.
AN
katherine zaleski <********@yahoo.com> wrote:
haha... i can.t even get him to say hello over email let alone a random dealing.. .lol! :s haha
Anais Nynjah wrote:
Well, wouldn't you like to know? Yes, he rocks our world. He is one of the glues that binds us together. We have had some random dealings with him, but no. We are not a part of his inner circle. And you?
AN
katherine zaleski <********@yahoo.com> wrote:
i just don.t understand.. do you guys like know henry rollins or something.. he seems to rock your world... im just confused.. unconfused me k? :)
thanks...
witchita
The Shadow * 9:52 PM
____________________
Thursday, January 05, 2006
Since everyone constantly sends me quizzes and slambook questionnaire's, I've had to come up with one of my own. Because your stuff never asks the questions I want answered and you guys send this shit to me all the time, that's why. So drop what you're doing right now, even if you're breast-feeding your newborn, and take this retarded little quiz like we used to back in 6th grade.
1. Who is your favorite one-armed drummer?
Hallie Eisenberg
2. When was the first time you shoplifted?
When I was 87, but I was just confused.
3. What did you take? Adult diapers.
4. Elvis Presley or Morrissey? KD Lang.
5. The Screamers or The Vandals?
How could you do this to me?
6. Link Wray or Lyle Lovett?
Link Wray, but only because of the Julia Roberts thing. So just kidding.
7. Do you even know who Link Wray is? Duh.
8. If a wildebeast was eating your leg, who would you
call? Henry Rollins.
9. If a space alien was beaming you away, who would
you call? Jello Biafra.
10. What is your favorite sexual position (that you
actually know how to do) ((don't lie))?
The Upside Down Triple Decker Sucker Punch.
11. What is your favorite sexual position (that you've
actually done) ((don't brag))? The Cockatiel.
12. If you had a monkey what would you name it?
Sylvester Steven Stallone Seagal.
13. If you had a turtle would you enter it in the
races? Yes, and it would win.
14. Would you bind, gag, and slap silly George W. Bush
for a million dollars? Yes.
15. Would you do it for cab fare? Double yes.
16. If you could re-animate only one of these three,
whom would you choose: A) Wanda Jackson, B) Wendy O.
Williams, C) Courtney Love? Wendy, so that she could
then re-animate the others.
17. If you could re-animate only one of these three,
whom would you choose: A) Joey Ramone, B) DeeDee
Ramone, C) Tommy Ramone?
You are a horrible person. I default to Joe Cole.
18. If your mother and Dickie Barrett were in a burning closet and you could save only one of them,
whom would you choose?
Dickie Barrett. That was an easy one for anyone who knows me.
19. Steve Jones or Ewan McGregor?
Steve Jones, but only because Ewan is happily married with children.
20. Who and what were you in your favorite past life?
A governor of Lesbos, Cleopatra, Ishtar, The Mona Lisa, and Mary Magdalene who was the wife of Jesus the Christ.
(Don't ever send this shit to me again, you crazy
bitch. I hate you. Call me.)
Hooray! That's the end of the quiz! Now you can print it out and use it for toilet paper! Thanks everyone for taking my quiz! It means sooooooooooooooo much to
me. Remember, don't bother sending this back because I don't really need or want to know the answers to any of these retarded or meaningless questions. (Except
the one about our friend Dubya.)
Now back to work, you slackers. Do something creative and productive for the betterment of the human race. Or just kill yourself if you can't even manage that.
Kisses,
Brigid
The Shadow * 9:01 PM
____________________
Monday, December 12, 2005
Happy Holidays, fuckwads! What do you call it? ChrismaHannaKwanzaa? Fuck that. I declare a new holiday hybrid. Youlstyce. Because it's all about you anyfuckingway. Don't deny it. You're all so fucking full of shit. Holidays are just me, me, me days., aren't they? It's all about the gifts, but not about the people who get the gift. It's just about making yourself feel superior and the others feeling inferior. Shut your stupid lying mouth. You know it is. Go watch It's A Wonderful Life a hundred more times.
I have received a lot of email. It's all shit. There's nothing really worthy of posting here. Why are you all so fucking boring and uninspired?
I heard from a girl who is completely out of money and although she is working two jobs, she's just barely eaking by. I told her to take some nice digitals of her clean-shaven pussy, maybe with a few of her fingers playing inside it. She can sell them on a website. I don't know why she didn't write back. I had a lot of good ideas for her. Like she could get herself into a greencard marriage, then extort the guy until it was time for a nice big divorce settlement. Or she could drive like an asshole right in front of an elderly man in a new Mercedes or Cadillac, so he could hit her. Old farts driving a Caddy or a Benz are sure to be loaded.
There was a guy who wrote to me about his combat experience in Iraq. He wouldn't give me permission to blog it, though. And I am always the poster girl of discretion.
I quite enjoyed Miss Vagina's emails about her sex therapy, but alas. She wouldn't give me permission to blog, either. Selfish fucking bitch. What a tease. Probably why she's in therapy in the first fucking place.
Write me, you useless motherfuckers. What's your fucking problem? Why are all of you so fucking lame? Write me. Right now. Losers.
The Shadow * 8:38 PM
____________________
Friday, November 11, 2005
Hello worthless peons. How the fuck are ya? Gee, that's too bad. Really. Sorry to neglect and ignore you, but I had such better things to do. But I'm back now. Not because I miss any of you, please don't flatter yourselves. It's only because I wanted to share with you the plight of poor, poor Roxy. This is the story of a girl with the brains of a bird. A very, very small stupid bird. Have a look:
This message is not flagged. [ Flag Message - Mark as Unread ]
Date: Mon, 7 Nov 2005 11:21:40 -0700 (PDT)
From: Send an Instant Message "Roxy" Add to Address BookAdd to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
Yahoo! DomainKeys has confirmed that this message was sent by yahoo.com. Learn more
Subject: Please help! Very urgent!
To: anais_nynjah@yahoo.com
Hi Anais,
I really like your blog. You should blog more. I think you are really funny. Okay, here's my big problem. My boyfriend is dumping me. We've been going out for two years and all of a sudden I'm getting these hints that he's been seeing another girl who is a total skank and he's being kind of weird with me. He doesn't show up for things and he's kind of distant with me. It's like the life has totally gone out of our relationship and we're like an old married couple. I totally feel like he's taking advantage of me. I asked him about these rumors I've heard about the skank and he just said I was tripping. I love him so much and I don't want to lose him. Please, tell me what to do. I know you'll tell me something crazy and outrageous, but I'm open to all options here.
Roxy
Yahoo! for Good
Click here to donate to the Hurricane Katrina relief effort.
*********************************
Oh, Roxy! You stupid little co-ed slut. This drama is so old it should have a beat to it. Oh, wait a minute! What am I thinking? This is not only the oldest story in the world, it's the oldest fucking song in the book. My man done me wrong. There's another woman in his life. Oh, Lord don't let him leave me.
First of all, let me just center myself on the soapbox here. Okay, now ever since Adam and Eve were in the garden with Lillith and that whole dust up, there's been a huge misconception going on that I'd like to take a stab at straightening out right now. Women have this strange idea that they need men. Wrong, wrong, wrong. You have no need for a man, chica. Oh, but you'll say you don't like dildo's and in vitro fertilization. That's not what I'm talking about.
Men do serve their functions. Men can be great, if you ever find one. On the whole what we're talking about are guys. Guys are just little boys in grown bodies. Now let's review what we know about guys. Guys are dumb. Even the rocket scientists among them are dumb. Guys are lazy. Even workaholics like Henry Rollins and Ian MacKaye are lazy when it comes to women. But let's face it. Guys are just little boys. We all know what little boys want. They want to eat, sleep, stim, eat, and sleep. The eating and sleeping are the easy parts. Stimming is the only complicated thing about guys. What stims this guy? Is he seemingly complicated like Henry Rollins? Easy. Rollins seems like a really dark, complicated guy, but he's a no-brainer. Feed him some good food. Make him almost comfortable, because uncomfortable is slightly stimming to the old man. Then just keep his brain stimming. Interesting concepts. New ideas. Anecdotes about his favorite people. Good music. Lots of praise. Easy, easy, easy.
Okay, so now you're sure you want this boyfriend of yours to stay? You're sure you don't want to let whatever happens happen and trust in the wisdom of The Universe to just handle this for you? Well, all right then. Mama Anais will help you. But be forewarned: Once I put my advice out there, you had best take it. Don't come crying back to me about any of it. Just do as I say and you'll get what you want. Don't and and don't and fuck you.
Okay, here are the steps to keeping this troll in your life.
Step One;
Break up with him. No, no. I won't listen to your protests. This is step one and you're already arguing with me. Now knock it off and dump his ass. You have to do it very carefully, though. You can't break up with him like a chick. You have to dump him like a guy. Just go in there and dump his ass with no advanced warning or explanation. Just pretend you're a guy and do it hard, cold, and fast. DO NOT say "I think you're so great and I really want to be friends". DO NOT say "I think we should see other people". DO NOT say anything comforting, or explanatory. Just go in there and say, hey this really isn't working out and I think it's best we call it quits. That's it. No explanations, no talk, nothing. Let him know you're late for something and go. Do not answer his calls. Do not tell your friends what is going on. All of these things are very important. You must follow this strategy to a T.
Now, before you break up with him you have to go shopping. You have to buy some clothes, or borrow if you must, that are totally different from what you normally wear. I recommend a little sluttier or a little more feminine. It usually doesn't work if you go more restrained or casual. Make sure you amp it up. If you don't normally accessorize, make sure you are wearing big bold jewelry. If you don't normally wear a lot of make-up, make sure you're wearing some. You don't have to start walking around looking like a drag queen on New Year's Eve, just make sure it's noticeable. If you need to, you can practice on your dad or your little brother. If they notice that your style has changed, so will your target. Now, for the next thing. Make sure you are wearing a totally new perfume. It has to be totally different than what you usually wear. Like if you usually wear florals, make sure this is a spice. One thing that really works great is to wear an obscure men's fragrance. Make sure it's not AXE or some crap like that. It has to be something very vague. Okay, got it? New look, new fragrance, dump his ass like a guy.
Okay, now on to Step Two:
Do not call him. EVER. DO not answer his calls. Do not call him to see how he's doing or to ask if you left something at his place. You do not want to see him. You've forgotten all about him. Even if you wanted to see him, you couldn't because you can't remember where he lives. You've forgotten his phone number. Now you have to be busy all the time. If he calls your house, your roommates or parents have to say that you're gone and they don't know where you are. If he calls your work, don't talk to him. If he comes by your work, be very busy. Look at him like you're surprised to see him and you can't imagine why he'd be there. Don't be mean or rude. Be your usual sweet self. You are blissfully happy. There's no reason to be rude. You have no reason to be mean to anyone.
Step Three:
You have to get a new obsession. It almost doesn't matter what it is, as long as it isn't a living person. It can be a living person, but not someone like your professor or the hot guy at the bookstore. It can be a certain band, or a sport, or an author, or Medievel warfare techniques. It doesn't matter. Just get your head into something and become fascinated with it. There's a lot in this world to fascinate anyone. Go for it.
Step Four:
Okay, now that you've got all that down, and it's been at least three weeks to a month, you can answer your phone. You can start telling your friends what's going on. You can start talking to the target. When they ask you what's up, just act like nothing is going on. When they ask why you dumped the target, just say that you don't know. It seemed like the right thing to do.
Okay, now one of two things will happen. You will either have an ex-boyfriend dying to get you back, or you will already be over him. Why? Because by using this strategy, you've forced yourself to forget all about him. And here you are walking around with a new look, a new fascination, a sweet demeanor, and you will be attracting all kinds of guys. So what do you want to do? Do you want to go back to that same old boring relationship you had for two years with someone who didn't appreciate you, or do you want to move on?
Here's a little maintenance therapy for you. To keep yourself going you have to luxuriate in your wonderfulness. You have to touch yourself all over all the time. It's really cool. You have to take baths and soak in soothing bath salts and smooth lotion all over your own skin. Touch yourself. Feel how sexy you are. This is what guy's feel when they touch you. Isn't it cool? Wear beautiful clothes. Yeah, your hoodie and jeans are the best ever. I know. But you could also wear some sexy bras and panties underneath them, right. Wear jewelry. Do your hair. Pretend you're the chick from Alias and you're getting dressed up for a mission. Have some fun. Listen to a lot of great romantic music. Hey, I'm a fan of thrash and roar, too. But no one can belt it out like a diva. Listen to music that moves you. If nothing moves you, you're dead. So keep listening until something moves you.
All right then. Follow the steps. Follow the strategy exactly and you'll get what you want. What you want may change, but either way you'll get it.
No need to thank me. Just pay it forward. Wink.
Anais
The Shadow * 1:50 PM
____________________
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
Oh Kittens, you disappoint me. I was for a little while working with someone who for a moment there totally made me feel like I was alive. Then he started shooting up again and I dumped him like a hot potato. It was interesting, though. For a brief moment in time. He was supposedly writing about his experiences in jail, porn, New York City, and an insane asylum (which was actually in the Midwest and not a euphemism for NYC).
There was quite a backlog in the mail. Here's one I thought you all might find interesting: Don't worry. I've been writing to her without any of you even knowing. What do you think of that? Why yes, who gives a shit would be the correct answer!
This message is not flagged. [ Flag Message - Mark as Unread ]
Date: Fri, 7 Oct 2005 11:22:43 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Niki***" <****************@yahoo.com> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
Yahoo! DomainKeys has confirmed that this message was sent by yahoo.com. Learn more
Subject: blahblah
To: anais_nynjah@yahoo.com
I don't know who you are but you talk a lot of shit. You act like you know everything. You act like you have an answer to everything. All day long I think about killing myself. What do you have to say about that?
You probably won't even believe me. You think this is a joke. The joke is my life. I'm fat. I'm ugly. My family has no money. I'm not in the advanced program. I can't get a job because I have to help my mom all the time at home. I don't have a boyfriend. All day at school I just try to be invisible.
I'm wondering what you are going to say to me. I don't think you'll say anything at all. I think you'll ignore me like everyone else.
Niki
-------------------------------
Yahoo! for Good
Click here to donate to the Hurricane Katrina relief effort.
******************************
Dear Niki,
Of course I won't ignore you. Oh, Sweetness! This is exactly the kind of email I love to get. Let me tell you what I would do if I knew where you were. First I would come over your house and sit with you in your room. I hope you have your own room. I would totally understand your despair if you didn't.
Now, after I've sat with you and just listened for a while, I would make you take me out. I would want to see what you see. Where do you go? What do you do? With whom do you do it? You say you don't have any friends. How long have you lived in the area? Everyone has friends. Goodness, if you were kidnapped by a serial killer you wouldn't believe how many of your friends would be clamoring to get on Larry King just to talk about their intense friendship with you.
All right, then. I've seen a little bit of your life. Now, I'm going to tell you about yourself and then I'm going to tell you how to make it all better. You must trust me on this, Sweetness. Other people only pretend, but not me. I actually know what the fuck I'm talking about.
I want you to sit down for this. Not just sit, but make yourself nice and comfortable. Okay. Here it is: YOU ARE NORMAL. Now I'm sure I'm not the first to tell you that, and please don't take it to mean that you are mediocre, or average. What I'm trying to convey to you is that you are not abnormal. There's nothing wrong with you. Your feelings are normal and valid and the truth. Please continue writing them down. Please save the pages onto which you write them.
Listen, everyone hates being 17. Jesus God, there've been songs written about it. It's okay to hate where you are right now. The good news is that it will change. The thing you need to work on is how it will change. What kind of 18 year old will you be? One with a car and a job and boyfriend? One with a scholarship to college? One with a guitar in her hand enroute to Los Angeles? You are a 17 year old American girl. The entire world belongs to you.
Let me just sketch that out for you, honey. You will not be drafted to the Middle East. You are in control of your fertility and so far you haven't screwed yourself by screwing with someone and getting yourself a baby. You are in control of your habits. Sure, you need to lose weight. Who doesn't? At least you don't have a drug problem. You don't have a boyfriend? Good for you. At least you don't have some loser hanging around pretending he's a man and telling you what to do all the time. At least you don't have a stalker or some asshole who doesn't give a shit about you, but comes sniffing around for sex all the time. Count your blessings, girl. See how far ahead of the game you are?
Now you seem to think you know what you want. Do you really want to be skinny, and pretty, and rich, and popular? You know that's a complete lie, don't you? Okay, now here's where I tell you to turn off the TV and stop reading celebrity gossip magazines. As a matter of fact, stop reading pretty much all magazines for a while. All they do is give you self-esteem issues and eating disorders.
Stop thinking about celebrities. Stop thinking about the popular girls at school. Stop all that. This is the Niki Show and you are the star. Why would I want to watch the Niki Show? Is Niki funny? Is she smart? Is she a hero?
Pretty soon you are going to be of legal age to make your own decisions. I don't think people really come of age until their late 20's, and some people never do it at all. But you'll have to start practicing now. Keep telling your mother that you need a job and a car. Don't be a brat about it. Don't whine or threaten or act like a spoiled brat. Just keep telling her what you need and asking her to help you come up a plan to get your needs met. Don't even talk about it as a "want". Always talk about your "needs". Don't give up. Persistence is a good thing to have in your toolbox. It will either help you get what you want or realize that you never really wanted it or that you've have moved past it.
So, you've turned off the TV and you're not even thinking about anyone else but Niki. What does Niki want to look like? Just about the only thing you can't change about your body is your height, unless you want to go to a Japanese height clinic and trust me, Sugar, you don't want to even think about it. What color hair do you want? Long? Short? Sexy? Straight? Curly? What kind of clothes do you want to wear? If you don't know, try on everything. See what looks good on you and what makes you feel good. Try on all kinds of styles, like you're going to a costume party. See what you like. Just don't do anything gimmicky like wear all purple all the time.
You tell me you're fat. Maybe you are, maybe you aren't. Every girl thinks she's fat. What are we talking about here? Are you Anna Nicole right before TrimSpa? Or are you Renee Z in Bridget Jones? Either way, all you have to do is lose it. I know of a bazillion diets and they all work. Every single one of them. The best thing, though is to just exercise. Buy the Six Day Makeover by Michael Thurmond. If you can't afford it, I'll send you a copy. Lose the weight. Just do it in a healthy way. Your body is the sacred temple of your soul. Take care of it.
Now, maybe you eat fast food all the time and never exercise and you hate fruits and vegetables. Get over it. Unless you want to get a nice meth addiction, you're not going to look like a starlet unless you eat right and exercise. Go to Overeater's Anonymous if you feel like you need some help for emotional eating. You're so lucky that you're starting to reshape your life so young. It gets harder and harder to break bad habits the older you get.
You tell me that you're ugly. I don't believe you. God gives everyone something nice to see when they look in the mirror. You've got something to build on. Go to the mall and let one of those dorks at the make-up counter do your face. Promise me that you won't buy anything, just let them play with you. Then go again with a different girl, if your town isn't too small. Don't let them guilt you into buying anything. It's their job to teach you how to be glamorous and when you find your look you can buy what you need.
Being pretty and skinny isn't all that hard. Having a personality is. Most skinny pretty girls are lame. Honestly. They don't ever have to develop their minds or their personalities because everything has come so easy to them. All they do is show up and smile. Usually they don't even have to smile. They just get their way because they're pretty. They learn this by age 2 and it's all a lost cause from there. You don't want to be a beauty queen do you? Listen to me on this point: No matter how beautiful a woman is, there is at least one guy who is sick to death of her.
It's not hard to be beautiful or glam. It just takes practice and a bit of money. If you have skin problems use ProActive. If you have a weight problem, go to counseling and a nutritionist, and join a gym. If you don't have nice clothes, try shopping at thrift stores and dressing in a funky, but pretty fashion.
Map out your new life. Every day do something that moves you toward where you want to be. Get your make-up lesson. Go thrift store shopping. Talk to your mom about a job and a car. Maybe you might even just go and apply for some jobs and then once you get an offer, talk to your mom again.
Now I'm going to tell you the two biggest secrets to changing your life. Ready? These are very, very big secrets.
The first secret is to listen to the right music. You need to be listening to music that wakes up your brain. You need to be listening to music that makes you feel something every single time you hear it. It doesn't matter what you listen to, okay I'm totally lying. You can't feel anything but disgust when you listen to Britney Spears or anything like that. Disgust is not what we're going for here. I'm talking about music like Nina Simone or Johnny Cash or anything put out on the Dischord label. You pick your own music. Whatever makes you want to lay on your bed with your eyes squeezed shut, or makes you want to kick something, or dance around your bedroom with mop are probably good choices. Check out everything. If you like a song, you like it. If you hate a song, you hate it. It's that easy. It doesn't matter what anyone else says, does, or thinks. Remember, this is the Niki Show and your music is the soundtrack. Music is funny thing. Years from now when you hear a certain song it will take you back to a moment and you'll relive it all again. It's magic. Music will be your friend and will talk to you and even listen sometimes. Music will understand and stay with you. Just make sure you really listen to your music and no one else's.
Okay, now here's the next secret. Read everything. Read, read, and then read some more. Read the classics, read the banned list, read what shocks you. Read what your enemy wrote. Read the book before you see the movie. Read it all, honey. You will absorb more knowledge, culture, and adventure from reading the right books than anything else. When you read Jane Austen you'll find out that 200 years ago girls were going through the same crap as you are right now. When you read Victor Hugo, you'll find out that as long as one person loves you, you can hang on forever through anything. When you read Go Ask Alice you'll never do any drugs at all whatsoever. Read Henry Rollins. Read a Taylor Caldwell historical novel. Read The Lovely Bones. Read She's Come Undone. Read The Story of O. Read Anais Nin if you want. Read JD Salinger. Read ancient texts. Read foreign authors. Read religious stuff. Read Anne fucking Coulter if you want. It almost doesn't matter. As long as you keep reading, and you read everything. Once you start, you won't stop.
All right, now you have to read my diatribe on suicide.
I understand thinking about suicide. I do. But here's the thing: There are two kinds of suicides. The first is someone who is considering a permanent solution to a very temporary problem. Life can turn on a dime, Niki. How different would your life be if your mom won a million dollars? Or if you given a full ride scholarship to college? Just consider that. The first type of suicide just wants to end the problem. It's very normal and natural to think about suicide when you are so unhappy and you feel like nothing will ever change. It's logical. It's an indicator that you need things to change. So figure out a way to change them.
The second kind of suicide is someone who is truly, truly worn out. These are people who've been battling a terminal illness for years, or who've lived in utter despair for a lifetime. These people go out because they've lost hope and simply don't want to experience any more pain, even if there's a glimpse of happiness mixed in. You are only 17. It's unlikely that you've experienced a lifetime of wretchedness, although I acknowledge that you may feel like you have.
When you think about killing yourself are your thoughts that you wish you didn't have to wake up and live this life anymore? Temporary pain. Move through it. Are you fantasizing about your funeral? That your mother will cry and tell everyone how much she misses you and that she won't be able to go on without you? That's manipulation and feeling taken advantage of and unappreciated. Fix that. Do you fantasize that some guy at school will come to your funeral and be sad? Maybe he will. What difference would that make? You'll be dead so you never be with him and you'll have hurt him by killing yourself. Come up with a sexier fantasy than that, okay? How about one where you and the guy make out behind the gym like you're both nymphos.
Get some help for your depression. I'm not saying you don't have good reasons to be depressed, but it would be such a shame to let a perfectly good girl like you go to waste. If you feel ike the advisors at your school aren't complete snitches and worthless dorks, then talk to them. If you don't know who to talk to you can call me. I'll find someone cool who'll talk with you. I know you know you're no the only person in the world feeling like this. Wouldn't it be cool to get to know someone who can empathize?
Keep in touch, Niki. I for one am very interested to hear how your story turns out.
Anais Nynjah
The Shadow * 12:14 AM
____________________
